Only Acting

“One day, I’ll be your Huckleberry.”

I said to myself. The walls are pastel cream, glossy like plastic. My room is always organized to extensive detail. The collection of my rabbit feet, rare clovers plastered over the walls proved this. The time became seven o’seven. I was almost one minute late for my affirmations.

“It’s all an act.”

At Ulysses Grant High School, I was late again for the ninth time this quarter. Spending time in the detention center that morning, I began to write down more affirmations.

The bell rang two more times and it was time for an afternoon lunch. I made sure to make people notice my rituals. I caught the attention of  the other table. As they gazed onto their lunch trays, I continued on as if they were still gawking. After school, I headed home and went to my room. My parents don’t really give two bites about me so I didn’t need to say anything to them. The only person I really wanted to talk to was Aubry.

“I love you Aubry. You are my Betsy to my Bickle. The Guinevere to my Arthur. My sweet Josephine.”

The next day, I was late, except this time I wasn’t sent to detention; I was sent to the principal’s office.

“Mr. Lorre. You know why you’re here today?”

But I didn’t give him anything.

“Well. You’re at risk of academic expulsion. I suggest start taking your studies more seriously. Is that understood?”

“Yeah”

“Is that understood?”

“I said yes”

“Very well. You have mandate tutoring everyday after school. Miss a session and you’ll be expelled.”

I didn’t need an education. I didn’t want an education. I want proof of education. Without a diploma, I would be on my own eating rats from the sewers. So that day I went to my mandate tutoring session like the pompous principal ordered. Luckily for me, the horseshoes and shooting stars gave me Aubry as my tutor.

“Hello Stahn”

I had only one shot at this. I said nothing.

“I’ll be your tutor.”

It was now or never. My mouth opened.

“I love you Aubry. You are my Joesephine to my Napoleon.”

Too on the nose. But I think it got the job done.

“Are. Are you ready to start? With your help?”

It wasn’t enough. So I punched myself in the cheek.

“Stahn are you okay?”

Now I had her.

“Yeah why?”

“You’re acting strange.”

“This is how I always act?”

“Is something wrong?”

“There’s always something wrong. War, Famine. Illness.”

“But I mean. I mean. You’re not acting right.”

Time for the bombshell.

“I have tourettes”

With those words uttered, my life would completely change. After my little mandated tutor session, my grades suddenly inexplicably were excused. I abused those accommodations like welfare or foodstamps or any other government benefit meant to be leeched off of. Most of all, however, I got my Aubry. It was really easy too. I thought she would spit on me or something, not become my girlfriend. She was really into me. She even mimicked my uncomfortable mannerisms whenever I was around her. We were like Bonnie and Clyde. Partners in crime waiting to rule the world. Despite all this, I felt this crippling feeling inside of my stomach and back of the head. Almost as if I was in the wrong. After a while it goes away but I can’t help to feel as if it’s something. I’m sure it’s nothing though.

Aubry sooner or later came to my parent’s house for a study date. Aubry looked at my Dad completely ignore her like the grouch he was. I could tell she was offended because like me she looks at the floor when she is.

Aubry didn’t take long to kiss.  Except this time I was feeling nothing during her make out. In fact, I could feel nothing at all. Maybe it had to do with that pressure I feel in the back of my head but suddenly out of nowhere, I started to act.

“You know what?”

“What Stahn?”

“I don’t love you.”

“Ha. I love you Stahn.”

“No. I mean it.”

“Stahn. Knock it off. This isn’t funny.”

“Actually I think I hate you. You’re too nice.”

“What are you trying to do to me? You’re out of your mind.”

She was uncomfortable, for real this time. Before she could leave she saw all my stuff and turned around. She opened her mouth slowly.

“Stahn. Is this all a game to you?”

I shouldn’t have answered honestly.

“Yes”

“Do me a favor. Stay away from me you freak!”

Aubry storms off. Slammed the door behind her. I could still feel nothing. For some reason my emotions were stunted. I could barely move. It felt as if my mouth was starting to move on its own.

“It’s all an act. It’s all an act”

Then I punched myself in my left cheek, leaving a mark.

I left the house that day, still with the mark on my left cheek. I assaulted a security guard checking in on me. Naturally I was detained and sent to a detention center. And there I stayed until I was determined unsuited for trial. I thought it was a good thing. It was far from.

I sat there looking at the other patients, thinking. Thinking because I could not do much else. Be yourself. Be yourself is something Kindergarten teachers tell their students so they don’t grow up to be stupid or evil. As if you can be anyone but yourself. I refuse to be someone that sucks. That’s why that faithful day Aubry left my life, mine expired. After years of thinking in the same spot, my mind would eventually give. My last thought I could remember. 

“It was never an act.”